Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
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i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
john wicks are toilet candles
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case