Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Teach your children to beatbox

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.