Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

Wake me when AI does housework

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif