Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea