business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee![]()
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I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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