Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Finally! 😈

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.