Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

When I said I liked it rough.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

How is it still this week?

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.