[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Huge if true.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me irl
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
This probably isn’t good
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.