Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

waiting for halloween be like:

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

I’m a self-made hundredaire

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy