me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
therapist: I see
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Good cop: You have the right to remain silent
Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.
WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”