(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Oh deer
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?