@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

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@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

@isabelzawtun

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

@ceejoyner

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

@Sickayduh

Good cop: You have the right to remain silent

Girlfriend cop: What’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you’re lik

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@SpenceDen

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.

@Sickayduh

WHY IS IT CALLED “CAPS LOCK”
AND NOT “CAPITAL PUNISHMENT”