Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

My blood type is b hungry.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.