Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.