Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
