Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Twitter remains undefeated
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.