Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
smh
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there