Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh