Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later