Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.