Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

wtf management?!

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

that de-escalated quickly

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.