Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

ugh not again

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK