Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I love this❤️😁👍

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x