Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Worst perfume name ever.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”