[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.