Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]