[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Awesome parenting 😂
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
