Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

kids play hide and seek like

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra