Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??