“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Wolves should really raise more people.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Mornin
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
The United Steaks of America
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.