Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown