“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I was just discussing this with my cat
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.