But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside