But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
You Might Also Like
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.