Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!