Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Brother?

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet