but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day