but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever