but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
british sex workers really pound for pound
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.