Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

based al yankovic

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Writing, She Murdered.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

some cats are just doing for fun!

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains