But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out