Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

How dramatic are you?

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

fly smarter, not harder

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.