Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

This was a bad idea all around

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*