But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.