But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
😜
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.