but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
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Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes