but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.