but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
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I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Yes, but it was never about money
❤️❤️❤️
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
An amish party in the desert called churning man.