Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*