Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius