but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.