Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.