But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.