Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

This raises questions

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

But wait…

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet