Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner