“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
They’re really bad with fonts.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’