“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
much to think about
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁