“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I love the honesty
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?