But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Seems legit.
