But is it really??
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*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
respect
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
