But is it really??
You Might Also Like
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
these can’t be my only options
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway