“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
This is my favorite one of these!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips