“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
That de-escalated quickly
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.