Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

BaD BoY!!

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.