But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I just tested negative for patience.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?