Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

Be the reason someone burns sage.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned