Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.