but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
TRAIN’S HERE
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me