…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
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Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
is he marrying that labradoodle
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.