…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
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Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.