…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I love wikipedia
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.