When someone trying to leave me
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Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure