But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?