Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

some things should go without saying

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient