But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”