“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.