“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.