“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Challenge accepted.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
best first i’ve ever seen
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
at ease…shoulder.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N